Summer at the movies

Posted by Alfred


As I shuffle into the darkened cinema screen, with my phone light on looking for my seat, the screen lights up. I’m late AGAIN. I’m that guy who walks in and whispers, “excuse me” to get to my seat. After nearly sitting in at least two people’s laps, I finally get to my seat. Damn, I left my popcorn on the counter!

It’s the blockbuster summer season and time for the latest and greatest tent pole films from the big studio players. There are only ever two outcomes, sink or soar. Not even star names can save a film if it’s a stinker, cough Ryan Reynolds. cough, Green Lantern. Being the resident film connoisseur here at Lime, I’ve seen my fair share of stinkers. Stinkers that promised you the world and left you feeling violated in the way the plot abused your sensibilities. So, I decided to put together a guide of how to navigate your way through the cinema this summer.

  1. Watch a maximum of ONE trailer. The problem with trailers nowadays is there are like 40 of them. They end up showing the whole film. Warner Brother’s Suicide Squad is a culprit. It’s best to be left guessing.
  2. Steer clear of forth or fifth sequels! Let’s face it, most times, 4th entries are movie bosses milking the cash cow dry. When you hear about car chases in space, that’s your cue to wipe the franchise from your memory.
  3. If a film is under an hour and a half, run for the hills! Short films are normally short on story, action and sometime sense. I recently watched a summer comedy that left me confused and angry. Just angry actually, because it wasn’t very funny. In the words of DJ Khaled “I played myself” (millennial joke here).
  4. Wicked effects don’t equal wicked film. I’m talking to you, Transformers franchise. While the effects might take your breath away, don’t let it take your sanity. Explosions, car chases and beautiful people can’t cover up the fact that the film has similarities with something that’s found in a park bin. Yep, exactly what you’re thinking.
  5. Trust in Disney! Disney are what you could call a powerhouse, always coming hard with their films delivering something strong, even if it’s a bit of a guilty pleasure. You can guarantee walking out an emotional wreck or singing your 65th chorus of “LET IT GO”.
  6. Leave your mind at the door. This is an important rule when deciding to watch a summer blockbuster. Don’t try and understand why that character managed to change the course of a torpedo with his bare hands or how another fell out of a top window and landed on his feet. It’s not the place for rational thought! Don’t do it to yourself!
  7. Don’t read reviews before you see the film. Never let your opinions be changed by Mr Review guy who gets paid X amount to publicly hate on a film. To be honest, some reviews actually do like to hate a film out of existence for no apparent reason. I’ve seen an 8 star movie get 2/10 just because the reviewer hated the lead actor. Not cool. Best to make your own mind up about a film. You might just enjoy it.
  8. Lastly, ENJOY YOURSELF. The cinema is supposed to be a treat, so go there and have a great time. Go with friends, family, even work colleagues. Just beware of that one person that needs everything explained. Looking at you Mum.

That’s enough from me, I’m off to watch Avengers 35 where they have to save the world from an evil dictator who spends most of his time on twitter moaning about making something great again.